So, I haven't posted anything in forever. I've been trying to come up with good reasons why. But to be truthful I just haven't had much to say.
I don't know what I am doing with this blog any more. I don't know why I write. I want to be creating things that makes a difference. Not just adds to the nothingness of the internet. Meaningful creation.
I feel like what I am doing right now isn't all that meaningful. To share any ways.
My soul is feeling tired. My soul is feeling faded.
It's not that I am unhappy. I am not depressed. I just feel like I'm drifting through my days lately. Getting from one moment to the next as though the one after this will be better. And then the end of the day has come and I've spent yet another period of my life wishing for the next.
I sure love learning. I feel so easily inspired by teachers. But my life lacks the best thing about life.
Community.
I miss belonging to a group of people who share their hearts with me, and I with them. I miss feeling like I know the people I sit with in the evening. I miss being able to talk about my feelings and not have to explain my past.
I have discovered that I can live away from home pretty easily. I have all the cooking and cleaning skills to keep up my place. I know how to budget. I can pay my bills, keep on top of laundry and eat (some what) healthily.
But, my dear blog, I don't feel independent. I feel alone. There is a difference.
If I didn't reach out to the people in my life...there are very few people who would notice or reach out to me. And that makes me sad.
Nothing makes me more happy when I can discuss and chat with people for hours. I love to dream and ponder and think with people.
The fact that I am evening writing all this to an empty screen just proves my point. I haven't anyone here to listen to the lengthy thoughts I say.
Perhaps that is my problem, blog. I have too much to say and I don't know where to begin. Because currently
I am alone.
There is no point to learning great things if you're alone. I want to help. Make a difference. Listen to lives. Share my heart. Build people up. Be built up. Work hard for nothing. Give. Volunteer.
Without giving I feel empty. I know I am made for giving. Made for community.
I can't wait to go home. Return to a world where I feel needed. Where I feel like I belong.
Don't mind the poor quality picture...
This board is inspired by black & white, blues and style.
And...love :)
Also a little montage of all the actors I have been watching- Les Mis, Parks $ Rec, and Pitch Perfect.
And some items I am hoping to get for my spring/summer wardrobe. I already have a few of those things, which will make it's way onto a future post!
Also up there is my favourite lip balm- tinted such a pretty shade of light pink.
And some clipping from a Gallery Atticus took me too a weekend ago. Art is strange but wonderful. I am looking forward to seeing this movie in May. I read the book a couple years ago and really enjoyed it. If you haven't read it yet, you should!
What has been inspiring you lately?
ps. Wow, two posts- one day. Lucky you. ;)
B
Loving: New shoes. Moccasins with adorable coral bows. Got them at Winners.
Watching: Michael Buble's new album promo video. "Sing it as best as a white guy could sing it...I don't know how else to say that..." <3! So much love. Buying his album the day it comes out!!! On the 22nd. (It's below for you to enjoy too!)
Listening: To Tony Lucca. I love his cover of Vienna. And Anchored. Go check him out. Beautiful voice.
Wishing: That my laundry would put its self in the drier. Lazy clothes...
Reading: Blogs. All the day long. Been reading College Prep a lot.
Looking Forward To: Lunch. I want a sandwich.
Instagram-ing: Finishing my monster paper. SO GLAD IT'S DONE. Wanting: to not have to do another monster paper for Friday. Oh the woes of my life... Ps. Here is a cute (albeit blurry) photo of my Easter weekend at home. It was so perfect bloggy world. I feel so much happier in my heart now! I needed them. <3
Happy Sunday everyone.
Here is one of my favourite songs right now.
"Only God, always does what is good, what is right and what is perfect."
"You alone we worship."
What is everyone up to today??
Also.
Happy birthday to my amazing brother, Sam. :)
So the other day I had a little "ohmygoshIhavesomuchtodoandnotimeandthereissomuchgoingon" melt down. And when that happens, I often just get super grumpy and upset. And I get all like "WHY AM I SO ANGRY." So then eventually I decide to plug in the earphones and shut out the thoughts and create.
I put my feelings on a piece of paper.
Out of my heart, and onto a tree.
It's sometimes really amazing what I realize after I "do art". What I find inside my thoughts. And last night I found myself feeling very overwhelmed. I don't normally like to share these pieces from my art journals, but this one I think I shall.
The bags represent everything I worry about and have to do. The black is obviously "not good-ness" and the green thing is an umbrella. The umbrella is both a good thing and a bad thing. It protects the girl from the rain, but it's also yet another thing she has to juggle.
I have a green umbrella. So maybe that's why I picked green. But I am beginning to wonder if green doesn't stand for something different.
In any case, through drawing, I have come to realize that aside from the regular stress of life and school....
Something isn't at peace within me.
So that's my art journal. Given to me by my pen pal. I love it, a lot.
I also have a writing journal. Where I record thoughts and quotes and prayers and Bible verses.
I also have another journal, which I made. I will post on this soon.
For now, that's enough.
B
Yay, another one of these!
-So my knitting projects have taken the back burner. Which sucks, because this is supposed to be a gift! Maybe when I go home for Easter I'll have knitting time.
-Also taken a hit- my reading time. I still haven't finished The 3 Musketeers. Shame on school for...oh wait, I will have to lay blame on a certain guy. Heh. My lovely Grandma told me I should read this book. Super great so far. Apparently I met the author when I was a kid. How cool!
- My Coach wallet. To be honest, this appeared in my room years ago and I held onto it hoping the owner would come forward (nothing in it) and then found it again when I was unpacking boxes. I love this thing though. It goes with everything.
-And that lip balm. So great! I don't wear lipstick, but I do like a little gloss or a balm. And this is just the right amount of gloss and colour and balm. Just sweet and girly.
- My current favourite pen. From Staples.
- David's tea. I own "Red Velvet Cake" and I am going to buy their "Honey Dew" Mate soon. DELICIOUS. Makes morning devotionals and late night papers so much tastier.
- My Grad ceremony is like one month away. Wow. Wow wow wow. That went by fast. I'll still have a spring semester to finish and then my summer practicum. I can't believe how fast this year is going though!
- And of course a "cute moment". I was working on a project last night with a bunch of friends and Atticus joined me. Then he handed me a chocolate kiss and grinned. "It's our first kiss!" he said. It made me laugh. And made reading about divorce and child abuse a little less depressing. I will be much happier when this project finishes.
So that's me. I did this instead of finishing a paper. I needed a break though. Not that the paper is hard. It's on child creativity.
This week has been particularly stressful. I presented my felt board stories yesterday. It went well. I have my one hour presentation on Divorce & Child Abuse today. And class is from 12:30 until 7:45. Tuesday is my least favourite day.
But tomorrow I find out what Day Care I will be doing the rest of my training at, so that is very very exciting!
What's on your desk these days?
B
My Saturday was almost completely consumed by making felt board stories. You think it would be lots of fun. And it is. For the first two hours. By the fifth hour, all energy and will power to continue is drained.
Remind me, if I ever make these again, to never leave them to the weekend before. Bad planning on my part. Usually I break the work down- but I thought that it would be easy. WRONG.
I guess this blog post is a "I have so much to do, how can I feel good about procrastinating" post.
So I have nothing interesting or insightful to share.
Just a hello and a here is what I'm doing.
I watched Pocahontas for a study break. It was the best! I love that movie. The raccoon is pretty much the best part of the whole thing. His little faces get me every time.
What's your favourite Disney movie?
Greetings from my half clean bedroom floor!I was scrambling around to clean up before a busy Saturday tomorrow and I had the sudden urge to blog. And then I thought maybe I should finish cleaning first. But then I realized that's why I never ever blog enough. I just don't give it priority. So, when ever I have to urge to speak, I shall try my very best to drop everything and share. Today in Caring & Guiding Young Children, we talked about family dynamics- among other things. I learned a lot about myself. It was strange to share about my childhood and see how much it lined up with what a piece of paper said. The weirdest thing I think to learn was that I am much more achievement oriented than I would like to admit. I have always wanted to be known for being good at relationships- but I think I am "good" at wanting to be accepted and affirmed in relationships.And in reality I struggle with relationships. But I am good at getting things done and being responsible. And I feel good and safe when I am in control and in charge. When I can achieve something. Fix something. And for the longest time, someone. Because...I feel good when I do something right. So if I can make someone else better. That's doing right by them. That's loving them. But that's wrong, actually. I can't fix people. As much as I want to try. Perhaps this doesn't sound like rocket science to you, but it was like a thunderstorm to me. Suddenly and out of no where, a wash of memories poured over my mind like the rain. A low distant rumbling of understanding, followed by a flash of realization. Love doesn't have expectations, goals, needs or rules. Love doesn't happen in the brain, in words or in intentions. Because we're broken. I am broken. The person I want to love is broken. And that's okay. What makes it okay is that love is still there, when all of that fades away. The things you thought would happen in your life don't- but love is still there. The goals you had for yourself get lost in reality- but love can still be there. Needs change and can't be filled by another human. Only God is enough. Rules are bent and broken. But love- it's still there. The brain thinks too much and doesn't love enough, words are deceiving and fleeting and intentions are selfish and messed up and broken. But love. The only thing that makes love stay is loyalty. Fidelity. Not things working out, not feelings, not situations, not happiness, or the past or hopes. Everything else will eventually fall away, but if two people can agree to just stay with each other no matter what- then love will be there. I sort of don't want to publish this. Because it's literally just what ever comes to my mind. Just brain to finger tips. And because it's rather vulnerable. And some of the thoughts are silly. They show my young age. My weaknesses.But I have a lot on my heart. I did four hours of research on the effects of divorce on preschoolers and it broke my heart. I sat there, next to someone who went through that and remembered all the others in my life who suffered through that heartache and it took every piece of me not to break into tears. I cry easily these days though. I think that's for two reasons:I am embracing who I am- a deeply emotional creature, who cares about a lot, all the time. SO WHAT. And I am strong enough to face those emotions. To cry when I hurt and to be angry when I am and to say what's on my heart. Same reason I'll post this. I don't have any more time for being anything less than who I am. I am twenty years old and I feel like I have just started living my life as me. I guess I am also beginning to understand why this whole relationship thing is so difficult. I wish a person could only love once and that there was no way to get out of it and that no one ever hurt anyone. I know that's a silly thing to even think of- but it doesn't change the fact that I look at all the destroyed marriages and friendships and the people who sleep around and play with peoples hearts and all of the hurt and just...hate it. I have high hopes for love...that scares me. High hopes, long down fall. Past me would have worried this would be too long and the few people who read it would be bored by the length, etc etc.But this me thinks instead, "I have things to say, and I control this space. So all will be said and that's how it's going."I am tired of being defined by my need to feel accepted. Especially because I am accepted. By God. By the being who made everything and me. So there you go. I learned a lot about who I am and who I have been and who I am growing into. Created for love, broken due to a lack of love and sanctified for love again. <a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/5587445/?claim=3cpg73qe9ne">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>
I am currently...
Loving: Red Velvet Cake tea by David's tea. So delicious. I even bought a tea ball to steep my tea in. Collection of tea, begin!
Watching: I have just finished a Community marathon. So hilarious. I greatly enjoy this TV show and I hope it continues on.
Listening: To...country music. Errr...don't judge. It's a new like. Shhh.
Wishing: That the rain would let up, for one day. Just ONE day.
Reading: "Dancing with Porcupines- Learning to Appreciate the Finer Points of Others" by Bob Phillips. Very good so far.
Looking Forward To: Going home for Easter long weekend. Seeing my family whom I miss a lot. And Getting to meet my twin's girlfriend. And for them to meet Atticus! :D (Maybe I'll explain more, maybe not.)
Instagram-ing: Random moments of life. This morning was tea.
Wanting: My room to magically clean its-self. Disaster zone warning. Too much going on to have time. Okay, so that's kind of a glimpse at life right now. For those of you who read this but don't know, I am dating a boy. He's a great guy. We're trying to take things slow. Although that seems to never happen in relationships. Ever. At least in my experience- and perhaps that has something to do with the fact that I approach life at a very fast pace. If you asked me if I felt ready to be in another relationship, I would say honestly sometimes I am not too certain. But...I have given up on certainty. Does that sound bad? I can't know anything for certain. I'm just trusting God. Trusting that if my actions line up with what I know God wants for me, then it's good. Perhaps this choice flows out of how the rest of my life is going- future feels uncertain and what not. All I know is that I have come to really appreciate how Atticus has helped me to feel more certain about one thing. God is good and life is beautiful.
For a while I was very concerned what others might think of me for being with him. But then a friend of mine asked me why I cared so much what other people thought. And it made me re-evaluate how much I let others' opinions sway me. Not that I'd ignore them or disregard good advice- but that I'd stick to my own convictions and act for myself.
Just learning left, right and centre over here.
On one last side note- I suck at blogging regularly. But I have decided that's okay. I don't live life on a schedule. I do use it to help me get through things and schooling and when I need it to be organized. But sometimes I desire spontaneity way more.
So, until the next spontaneous moment...happy Thursday :) Time to clean my room.
Lately I have been using pinterest like crazy. Using it for ideas for crafts for my preschool practicum, for knitting projects and cute quotes.
I finally got a little fed up with how much it took up my time. But I loved the ideas. So I decided to make one in real life. And thankfully I had a corkboard I wasn't using and a pile of magazines.
And thus, this was born:
How I did this was go through magazines and pick out things that I liked. I found other bits and pieces along the way. It's all about keeping your eyes peeled for useful things! And without really trying, a theme often arises. A very girly board for the month of February. All about renewal and fresh and life being good. :) I always leave space for more to be added throughout the month. And what do I do with it once the month/ period of that inspiration changes? I simply stick it in my journal. January was obviously somewhat birthday themed. :) Mary Margaret from one of my favourite TV shows, Once Upon A Time.
The cover of a news bulletin from a church I visited.
Magazine clippings of what "love" meant to me- family.
A colourful guitar pick I found.
If you don't have push pins, you can use earrings! Those are stuck in the bow that I knit. :) Which was kind of an accident.
An origami crane from a friend.
A pair of crazy pants I want.
My favourite beauty product- Josie Maran's Argan Oil
A Bible verse.
This project has inspired another one. Which I will share soon! :)
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