Greetings from my half clean bedroom floor!
I was scrambling around to clean up before a busy Saturday tomorrow and I had the sudden urge to blog. And then I thought maybe I should finish cleaning first. But then I realized that's why I never ever blog enough.
I just don't give it priority.
So, when ever I have to urge to speak, I shall try my very best to drop everything and share.
Today in Caring & Guiding Young Children, we talked about family dynamics- among other things. I learned a lot about myself. It was strange to share about my childhood and see how much it lined up with what a piece of paper said. The weirdest thing I think to learn was that I am much more achievement oriented than I would like to admit. I have always wanted to be known for being good at relationships- but I think I am "good" at wanting to be accepted and affirmed in relationships.
And in reality I struggle with relationships.
But I am good at getting things done and being responsible. And I feel good and safe when I am in control and in charge. When I can achieve something. Fix something. And for the longest time, someone.
Because...I feel good when I do something right. So if I can make someone else better. That's doing right by them. That's loving them.
But that's wrong, actually.
I can't fix people. As much as I want to try.
Perhaps this doesn't sound like rocket science to you, but it was like a thunderstorm to me. Suddenly and out of no where, a wash of memories poured over my mind like the rain. A low distant rumbling of understanding, followed by a flash of realization.
Love doesn't have expectations, goals, needs or rules.
Love doesn't happen in the brain, in words or in intentions.
Because we're broken.
I am broken. The person I want to love is broken.
And that's okay. What makes it okay is that love is still there, when all of that fades away. The things you thought would happen in your life don't- but love is still there. The goals you had for yourself get lost in reality- but love can still be there. Needs change and can't be filled by another human. Only God is enough. Rules are bent and broken. But love- it's still there. The brain thinks too much and doesn't love enough, words are deceiving and fleeting and intentions are selfish and messed up and broken.
But love.
The only thing that makes love stay is loyalty. Fidelity. Not things working out, not feelings, not situations, not happiness, or the past or hopes. Everything else will eventually fall away, but if two people can agree to just stay with each other no matter what- then love will be there.
I sort of don't want to publish this. Because it's literally just what ever comes to my mind. Just brain to finger tips. And because it's rather vulnerable. And some of the thoughts are silly. They show my young age. My weaknesses.
But I have a lot on my heart. I did four hours of research on the effects of divorce on preschoolers and it broke my heart. I sat there, next to someone who went through that and remembered all the others in my life who suffered through that heartache and it took every piece of me not to break into tears.
I cry easily these days though. I think that's for two reasons:
I am embracing who I am- a deeply emotional creature, who cares about a lot, all the time. SO WHAT.
And I am strong enough to face those emotions. To cry when I hurt and to be angry when I am and to say what's on my heart. Same reason I'll post this.
I don't have any more time for being anything less than who I am. I am twenty years old and I feel like I have just started living my life as me.
I guess I am also beginning to understand why this whole relationship thing is so difficult. I wish a person could only love once and that there was no way to get out of it and that no one ever hurt anyone. I know that's a silly thing to even think of- but it doesn't change the fact that I look at all the destroyed marriages and friendships and the people who sleep around and play with peoples hearts and all of the hurt and just...hate it.
I have high hopes for love
...that scares me.
High hopes, long down fall.
Past me would have worried this would be too long and the few people who read it would be bored by the length, etc etc.
But this me thinks instead, "I have things to say, and I control this space. So all will be said and that's how it's going."
I am tired of being defined by my need to feel accepted. Especially because I am accepted. By God. By the being who made everything and me.
So there you go. I learned a lot about who I am and who I have been and who I am growing into. Created for love, broken due to a lack of love and sanctified for love again.
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I was scrambling around to clean up before a busy Saturday tomorrow and I had the sudden urge to blog. And then I thought maybe I should finish cleaning first. But then I realized that's why I never ever blog enough.
I just don't give it priority.
So, when ever I have to urge to speak, I shall try my very best to drop everything and share.
Today in Caring & Guiding Young Children, we talked about family dynamics- among other things. I learned a lot about myself. It was strange to share about my childhood and see how much it lined up with what a piece of paper said. The weirdest thing I think to learn was that I am much more achievement oriented than I would like to admit. I have always wanted to be known for being good at relationships- but I think I am "good" at wanting to be accepted and affirmed in relationships.
And in reality I struggle with relationships.
But I am good at getting things done and being responsible. And I feel good and safe when I am in control and in charge. When I can achieve something. Fix something. And for the longest time, someone.
Because...I feel good when I do something right. So if I can make someone else better. That's doing right by them. That's loving them.
But that's wrong, actually.
I can't fix people. As much as I want to try.
Perhaps this doesn't sound like rocket science to you, but it was like a thunderstorm to me. Suddenly and out of no where, a wash of memories poured over my mind like the rain. A low distant rumbling of understanding, followed by a flash of realization.
Love doesn't have expectations, goals, needs or rules.
Love doesn't happen in the brain, in words or in intentions.
Because we're broken.
I am broken. The person I want to love is broken.
And that's okay. What makes it okay is that love is still there, when all of that fades away. The things you thought would happen in your life don't- but love is still there. The goals you had for yourself get lost in reality- but love can still be there. Needs change and can't be filled by another human. Only God is enough. Rules are bent and broken. But love- it's still there. The brain thinks too much and doesn't love enough, words are deceiving and fleeting and intentions are selfish and messed up and broken.
But love.
The only thing that makes love stay is loyalty. Fidelity. Not things working out, not feelings, not situations, not happiness, or the past or hopes. Everything else will eventually fall away, but if two people can agree to just stay with each other no matter what- then love will be there.
I sort of don't want to publish this. Because it's literally just what ever comes to my mind. Just brain to finger tips. And because it's rather vulnerable. And some of the thoughts are silly. They show my young age. My weaknesses.
But I have a lot on my heart. I did four hours of research on the effects of divorce on preschoolers and it broke my heart. I sat there, next to someone who went through that and remembered all the others in my life who suffered through that heartache and it took every piece of me not to break into tears.
I cry easily these days though. I think that's for two reasons:
I am embracing who I am- a deeply emotional creature, who cares about a lot, all the time. SO WHAT.
And I am strong enough to face those emotions. To cry when I hurt and to be angry when I am and to say what's on my heart. Same reason I'll post this.
I don't have any more time for being anything less than who I am. I am twenty years old and I feel like I have just started living my life as me.
I guess I am also beginning to understand why this whole relationship thing is so difficult. I wish a person could only love once and that there was no way to get out of it and that no one ever hurt anyone. I know that's a silly thing to even think of- but it doesn't change the fact that I look at all the destroyed marriages and friendships and the people who sleep around and play with peoples hearts and all of the hurt and just...hate it.
I have high hopes for love
...that scares me.
High hopes, long down fall.
Past me would have worried this would be too long and the few people who read it would be bored by the length, etc etc.
But this me thinks instead, "I have things to say, and I control this space. So all will be said and that's how it's going."
I am tired of being defined by my need to feel accepted. Especially because I am accepted. By God. By the being who made everything and me.
So there you go. I learned a lot about who I am and who I have been and who I am growing into. Created for love, broken due to a lack of love and sanctified for love again.
<a href="http://www.bloglovin.com/blog/5587445/?claim=3cpg73qe9ne">Follow my blog with Bloglovin</a>
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